I do this little equation in my head all the time. The one where I subtract all the good from the sum and am left with a hole…
That’s the fuckery of a mind like mine, with a loss like mine. And I’m not sure it will ever stop— I only know that, with support in Internal Family Systems work, I am beginning to have a deeper relationship with the selves inside that I have ignored and believed were fucked up/broken/damaged/to blame for my kids choices. IFS says they are my council! My inner family. And they are all looking out for me, in the way they are designed to, but we aren’t working together because I refuse them a place at the table! I refuse to listen to their wisdom.
Wowwwwww. That’s what I say a lot these days. (((Let’s be real— I always say that.))).
Alla which is to say that I am back in therapy after a hiatus. And it is, as per yooj, revelatory. Earth shattering. Ground breaking work that we are doing, that anyone in therapy is actually doing. To willingly examine the self under a microscope, and pay someone to help you forge coals into gems, because shit ain’t working?!?! I mean…. That’s really somethin!
That’s a body knowin.
So I be knowin. But mostly, I be LEARNING. I am learning more of the stories that live in the dark, unexamined, inside of me.
Ani DiFranco wrote,
“I live in two different worlds
Simultaneously
The one i seem to live in
And the one that lives in me
And one is full of violence
Oppression and disrespect
And one is full of longing
To breathe and to connect
Yeah, my inner world is fragile
And the outer world is dumb
And this whole thing is such a hassle
Won't you wake me when it's done?
I live in two different worlds
Simultaneously
The one where we are fractured
And the one where we are free
Freedom requires safety
Freedom requires trust
Freedom requires balance
In the equation of us”
And it’s had me thinkin for DAYS about all the selves inside of me that I have rejected
and abandoned
and neglected
and damned. And how I prolly didn’t just come up with that idea on my own; I witness it, being modeled to me every day I’m alive
at this time I am alive.
We all do.
And so I train my gaze toward the sky because it holds limitless possibilities—
And maybe some of my kin folk, too
And when I think about how much they love me.
And want me to see the veil, the illusion, the truth!
And then I start to look not out—
but within.
Again.
And I see some of that bluebird sky taking up residence in my chest. And a little blue bird is making a nest in there too, sharing her wings and her sweet song.
Matrix Reloaded.